Love is a Beezer

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You know it, I know it.

The Wolfman has left the Dreamboat and he is out howling at the moon somewhere. I am not going to profess that I have any good advice to give about the nature of love. There are some things that they don’t teach in grad school. But if there is one thing I know, that is broken hearts. And I know how do get through one of those.

1. Avoid Red Wine at all costs. While we all know the good ol’ vino is the nectar of the soul, it is also a living nightmare waiting to happen if you combine it with a broken heart. Red Wine will make you romantic and sentimental and will make you contact your heart’s desire by text or very embarrassing phone call.  You will say idiotic things about how this person is obviously your soulmate and you will love them until your end of days. If they do not pick up the phone or respond, you will likely rapidly decompensate from yearning love to a ragefull antisocial and tell them all the reasons they were the worst person for you and how much you hope they suffer.  Luckily, I learned this rule earlier in my career of love fails when I called an ex and professed my undying love and convinced him to move in with me. The next state over. Broken Heart Fail.

2. Go pantsless in your apartment all the time now. And no, don’t even worry about that disdainful look the dog keeps giving you.

3. Take walks in nature with your dog (it is important to wear pants while doing #3).

4. Do not, and I repeat do not, watch the movie Like Water for Chocolate. This is the movie equivalent of red wine and will lead to the same devastating results.

5. Remember what a dreamy babe you are and have fun with your rad self. Make elaborate dinners still. Take yourself to the movies. Even if it is to the cheap theater to see The Wolf of Wall Street. No ones judging!

6. While you may want to listen to a lot of sad sack music like MMJ or The National it might be best to rock out to Jay Reatard on the way to work.

7. Call up your friends. Have a lot of friends to call so you don’t wear any of them out. Having a close group of soulmateys is so important and what life is all about. With these friends, laugh yer ass off. A lot.

8. Have a sister. If you don’t have a sis, maybe you could get a stand in (see #7).  Sisters are amazing and they don’t mind (or at least don’t let on that they do) if you chose them to call every 30 seconds with a changing mood, about something your ex did, about something your ex didn’t do, how you will never love again, how you are better off anyway, how you found one of their socks, how the dog and cat are obviously depressed now, how it is hard to go to Trader Joes,  or anything else your crazy ass brain can come up with at the time. Sisters will weather these stormy seas with you and be the embodiment of unconditional love and acceptance.

9. Start an art journal. Fill it with a lot of feels. Make weird images from the depths of your subconscious. Write little poems and one liners. Blame it on hallucinogens if anyone ever finds it.

10. Paint, listen to music, draw, get some plants for the house, take a lot of baths.

11. and of course, keep that heart wide open. There is so much to love.

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I am not a Wolfman. Or a Dreamboat.

Jay blog pic

But I sure do know one. This is my bf Jay and this is the picture that inspired this blog. Actually, Jay and I were both talking about starting blogs one night in bed after watching the last epsiode of Season 2 of the Sopranos. We talked about a blog about coupleship called “I Liked us Better Before We Started Farting in Front of Each Other,” but decided it might 1) limit our creativity and 2) Be a lie. Seriously, no one wants their belly to hurt all the time from trapped gas. In a continual effort to outdo me in everything, he decided his blog is going to be called Wizard Turds (WURDZ for short). It will be much better than mine I am sure. He’ll win a Nobel, and I will end up banned from the interwebs.